Charlie Joe Jackson's Guide to Not Reading Read online

I’m looking forward to seeing Eliza’s new look, since she gives us something surprising every year.

  I’m looking forward to that first-day ritual where everyone talks about the summer, and I’ll say “I wrote a book,” and I’ll probably feel pretty proud when I say it, even though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life.

  And I’m even looking forward to seeing Mr. Obnoxious himself, Teddy Spivero, and telling him that this was the summer I finally fell out of love with his sister. He’ll laugh in my face, and I’ll insist it’s true, and then I’ll see Hannah and I’ll probably fall in love with her all over again.

  But that’s okay. I’m still looking forward to all of that.

  * * *

  Here’s what I’m not looking forward to: getting my first homework assignment, and my reading list of books to read.

  * * *

  But today—just today—it’s still the summer. And my mom and dad said that since I finished the book, I could have my cell phone back, and I could do whatever I want.

  The first thing I’m going to do is go outside and play with my dogs, Moose and Coco.

  It’s the least I can do.

  Because during the worst times these last couple of months—when I was grounded for life, and I felt like the whole world was having fun except for me—the only thing that kept me going was seeing those two dogs looking up at me patiently.

  “We have no idea what you’re doing, you’ve never done anything like this before, but we still love you, and we’ll wait as long as it takes,” their eyes would say, taking pity on me as I sat at my computer. “We know that one day you’ll realize that it’s summer, and that you should absolutely not be doing what you’re doing. You should be outside playing with us.”

  They’re absolutely right.

  * * *

  After playing with the dogs, I’m going to head down to the beach with my sister and lie there for a while, maybe go for a swim and have a soft-serve ice cream cone.

  And then I’m going to text Katie and tell her to come meet me. And she’ll text me back that she’ll be there in fifteen minutes. And I’ll text her back that I’m sorry that I wasn’t around very much over the summer. And then she’ll text me back and say I’m sorry for ratting you out, but you know what it’s like in that crazy tiny chair sitting opposite big scary Mrs. Sleep. And then we’ll text each other that we can’t believe school starts tomorrow.

  And then it will be tomorrow.

  Charlie Joe’s Tip #25

  WHEN FINISHING A BOOK, NEVER LOOK AT IT AGAIN.

  It’s bad enough that you had to read this whole book. You don’t want to be reminded of the experience.

  Here are certain things you can do with a book once you’ve finished with it:

  1) Sell it at a tag sale.

  2) If no one buys it, pay someone to take it.

  3) Loan it to a friend. Forever.

  4) Donate it to the school library.

  5) Donate it to the town library.

  6) Donate it to the Library of Congress.

  7) Drop it in the bathtub.

  8) Lose it. If someone finds it, lose it again.

  9) Put it on the shelf behind the board games you never use.

  10) Wrap bacon around it and give it to the dogs.

  Just don’t intentionally burn it. That’s off-limits.

  But if it happens to slip out of your hands while you’re reading by the fire? Well, then that’s just the way it goes.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I know, I know, more reading. Don’t worry, I’ll make it quick.

  The following people made this book happen, and I’d like to thank them:

  Michele Rubin and Nancy Mercado, Charlie Joe’s godmothers, without whom he simply wouldn’t exist.

  The incredible team at Roaring Brook Press/Macmillan, friendly, funny, and fantastic.

  JP, who nailed it.

  Lauren Tarshis, who’s been there, and who told me it was a good place to be.

  Nancy Conescu, Maja Thomas, and Jeffrey Seller, who opened some doors along the way.

  My colleagues at Spotco, the best place to work in the whole world.

  Barbara and Jonny, for obvious reasons.

  Kenny, Ellen, Jessica, and Jake, early adapters.

  Ellen Kellerman, for being astonishing.

  Claire and Chiara, whose students were both helpful and adorable.

  Moose and Coco, for being the inspiration for Moose and Coco.

  Charlie, Joe, and Jack, not huge fans of books, but huge fans of life.

  Reluctant readers everywhere, for giving me inspiration.

  And Cathy Utz, who is the beginning and end of everything.

  For Cathy,

  who gladly read several drafts of this book and helped make it better.

  And for Charlie, Joe, and Jack,

  who didn’t.

  Text copyright © 2011 by Tommy Greenwald

  Published by Roaring Brook Press

  Roaring Brook Press is a division of Holtzbrinck Publishing Holdings Limited Partnership

  175 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10010

  maakids.com

  All rights reserved

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Greenwald, Tom.

  Charlie Joe Jackson’s guide to not reading / Tom Greenwald. — 1st ed.

  p. cm.

  Summary: Middle schooler Charlie Joe is proud of his success at avoiding reading, but eventu- ally his schemes go too far.

  ISBN 978-1-59643-691-6

  [1. Books and reading—Fiction. 2. Middle schools—Fiction. 3. Schools—Fiction. 4. Interpersonal relations—Fiction. 5. Humorous stories.] I. Title.

  PZ7.G8523Ch 2011

  [Fic]—dc22

  2010024079

  First edition 2011

  eISBN 978-1-4299-7646-6

  First Roaring Brook Press eBook Edition: July 2011