A Zombie Ate My Homework Read online

  When she said school, I stopped breathing for a second.

  Or, I would have, if I actually breathed.

  “You want me to attend school?”

  “That’s right.” Jenny put her hand on my shoulder. It was warm. Humans are so warm, in general. “You didn’t ask to be put on this earth, but now that you’re here, you have every right to live a normal life, and we want to help you do that.”

  “GROSS!” Lester came barging into the room, pointing at me and sneering. “He’s wearing the same clothes he wore yesterday!”

  “Well, of course he is,” said Jenny. “They’re the only clothes he has.”

  She looked at me, and I shrugged apologetically. Jenny had tried to get me to change into pajamas the night before, but I’d refused. I’d never worn anything but the yellow shirt, blue pants, and orange ID tag I was (re)born with.

  But now, Jenny was saying I would have to start not just wearing typical human clothes but acting like a typical human.

  Is there such a thing as a typical human?

  “Are you ready to get started, Norbus?” asked Jenny. “You’ll do great.”

  I stood up. “I’m ready.”

  Lester glared at me. “You might learn how to act like a human,” he sneered, “but you will never be a human.” Then he walked out of the room and slammed the door.

  I decided right then and there that I would be a Bill and Jenny kind of person and not a Lester kind of person.

  “Before we get started, there’s one thing we need to do,” Jenny said. Then she placed a small box on the table.

  “What’s that?” I asked her.

  “Contact lenses.” She opened the box and took out a tiny blue lens, which she held up for me to see. “You’re going to need to put these in your eyes,” she said. “They will turn your eyes blue.”

  I was confused. “Why do I need to turn my eyes blue?” Jenny looked at me, and I immediately understood. “Oh right.”

  Jenny sighed. “I know this isn’t who you are,” she said. “But unfortunately, it’s who you need to be.”

  “We’re going to what?!?” Lester howled.

  It was two days later, in the middle of my human training. (So far I’d gotten pretty good at brushing my teeth but was having a little trouble tying my shoes.) Lester was sitting at the kitchen table, moaning to his mom. I was on the porch, pretending not to listen to the whole thing.

  “We’re going to take Norbus on a few errands,” Jenny said, answering her son. “He needs to get some clothes at the mall. Besides, it’s time for him to experience what it’s like out there in the real world. And I’d like you to come with us.”

  Lester looked like his eyes were going to pop out of his head. “As IF! What if my friends see me?”

  “The world won’t end,” said Jenny. “You’ll just have to trust me on that one.”

  “Fine,” muttered Lester. “But I want to get the new DangerRanger X-3000 or I’m not going.”

  Jenny sighed. “We’ll talk about it in the car.”

  “What’s DangerRanger X-3000?” I asked, wondering what kind of item could possibly hold such power over Lester.

  “The greatest game ever,” Lester said.

  “The end of civilization as we know it,” Jenny said.

  I wasn’t sure how they could both be right, but I decided not to ask.

  Our first stop was the grocery store, which was an enormous building that seemed to go on forever.

  “This is where we buy our food for the week,” Jenny explained.

  There were a ton of people walking around, and they all had big metal baskets on wheels, filled to the brim with lots of things that I guess they were going to eat, although I wasn’t sure how people could consume all that food in a whole lifetime, much less in seven days.

  “Why are there fifteen different kinds of peanut butter?” I asked Jenny.

  “I have no idea,” she answered.

  As we walked up and down the aisles, I could tell that people were looking at me. I was wearing some of Lester’s old clothes that Bill had found in the attic—a pair of jeans that were way too big, and a yellow T-shirt with a picture of a monkey surfing on the front. The shirt said LIFE’S A BEACH, whatever that meant.

  Lester pointed at a box that said SWEET-A-RAMAS. “That’s the ticket!” he announced, picking up the box and throwing it into our cart.

  “What is that?” I asked.

  “Only the best cereal in the entire world, that’s what,” Lester said.

  But Jenny shook her head and put the box back on the shelf. “Absolutely not. That stuff is pure sugar.”

  “MOM!” Lester peered at his mother. “Do you want me to stand up on top of this cart and yell ‘zombie’?”

  She glared at him, then threw the box back in the cart.

  Lester looked at me and almost smiled.

  When our cart was full, we headed to the front of the store to pay. Ahead of us in line was a small boy who was standing there with his father.

  The boy looked up at me. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked.

  I glanced at Jenny, then back at the boy. “Nothing is wrong with me, I am perfectly well.”

  “Oh,” said the boy. “You look like you’re sick or something.”

  The boy’s father bent down. “Now, Sammy, let’s not be rude,” he whispered. “Leave the boy alone.” But then the father looked at me, and I could tell he thought the same thing. “Let’s go to another register,” he said. “I’m sure these nice people don’t want to be bothered.”

  I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. But Jenny sure did. “You don’t have to go to another register,” she said to them. “And he is not sick. He is just fine. Good day to you both.” She looked at Lester and me. “Let’s go, boys. We’ll shop later.”

  “But the Sweet-A-Ramas!” whined Lester.

  Jenny shook her head. “Not today,” she said. “We’ll come back some other time.”

  Lester shot a look my way.

  No almost-smile this time.

  Once we were back in the car, Jenny turned to me. “We’re going to the mall to get you some clothes,” she said, “and that’s all there is to it.” I waited for Lester to moan and groan, but there must have been something in her tone that made him keep his complaints to himself.

  The mall was even bigger than the grocery store. The inside was like a giant body with arms everywhere, and every arm was a brightly lit, really loud room that had clothing, or toys, or electronic gadgets, or shoes, or—for some reason—people painting other people’s nails.

  “I’m heading over to GameTown,” Lester announced.

  Jenny shook her head. “Not yet you’re not,” she said. “I’m going to run and get a quick cup of coffee. Just help Norbus in the store for a minute; I’ll be right there.”

  “Ugh!” Lester started walking way ahead of me, and I hurried to catch up. “This way,” he said, and headed toward a store called Kidz Cloze. When we walked inside, I had to squint because the lights were so bright. The shelves were filled with shirts, pants, sweaters, sweatshirts, and jackets, of all shapes, sizes, and colors.

  “Why are there fifteen different kinds of jeans?” I asked Lester.

  “The same reason there are fifteen different kinds of peanut butter,” he answered.

  We wandered around for a minute or so, until a girl who looked about the same age as Lester walked up to us. She had blue hair and was wearing jeans with about a million rips in them.

  “Why doesn’t she get all those holes in her pants fixed?” I asked Lester.

  “That’s the style, dummy.”

  “Why is there a pin through her nose?”

  “Stop asking questions.”

  The girl gave us a bored smile. “Can I help you guys?” Then she noticed Lester and her smile became slightly less bored. “Oh, hey, Lester.”

  Lester’s cheeks turned bright red.

  I had no idea human faces could change colors like that. />
  “Oh, hey, Darlene, what’s going on?” Lester said, in a super friendly tone of voice. “I didn’t know you worked here.”

  Blue-haired Darlene’s face didn’t turn red at all. “Yup, for the last two months,” she said. “Trying to make some extra cash, you know how it is.”

  “Oh, absolutely, I sure do,” said Lester. Then he laughed awkwardly.

  This was a new side of Lester.

  Darlene looked down at me. “Who’s this guy?” she asked Lester. “Is he, like, related to you or something?”

  Lester looked panicked at the prospect of trying to explain who I was. “He … uh …”

  But before he could finish, Darlene bent down to take a closer look at me. “You are one cool-looking little dude,” she said. “I would kill for silky skin like that. It would take a serious amount of pricey makeup that I totally can’t afford.”

  “Okay,” I said. Then, remembering the manners Jenny had been teaching me, I added, “Oh, and thank you very much for your gracious words.”

  She examined my face. “So you must, like, never go out in the sun, right?”

  “It would be neither wise nor prudent,” I answered, which made Lester roll his eyes.

  Darlene pulled her phone out of a ripped jean pocket. “And those cheekbones! Seriously, you could, like, model if you wanted. Mind if I grab a quick selfie?” She stuck her face next to mine and took a picture. “Totally posting this.”

  It was at that point that Lester decided he wanted to rejoin the conversation. “So, yeah, he’s my cousin from, uh, out of town. Great kid,” he said.

  I looked at him, confused.

  He looked back at me and whispered, “Mind your own business, and no one gets hurt.”

  Darlene stared at her phone and typed something at lightning speed. “That’s awesome!” she said. “This pic is going to blow up. I’m going to get, like, a thousand likes.”

  I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. It barely sounded like English, to be honest.

  “Anyway, Darlene,” Lester said, “my cousin is going to be staying with us for a while, in case you ever want to come over and hang out.”

  “That could be cool, maybe next week,” Darlene said. She looked at me. “What’s your name, anyway?”

  Now it was my turn to stand there awkwardly, but luckily Jenny walked up right at that moment.

  “Oh, hi, Darlene. We’re just looking for some new school clothes. Can you point us in the right direction?”

  “Hey, Mrs. Kinder. Yeah, right this way.” She put her arm around my shoulder. “By the time I’m done with him, he’ll be the flashiest-looking kid in town.”

  As Darlene led me away, I glanced back at Lester.

  “Are you coming?” I asked. “Your help would be extremely beneficial.”

  He caught up to us and gave me a light smack on the back.

  It was the first non-mean thing he’d ever done to me.

  I ended up getting three shirts, a jacket, a sweatshirt, and two different kinds of jeans. They were all too big, but I was the only one who seemed to care.

  “The pants are falling down,” I said to Lester. “And the belt barely helps.”

  “Exactly,” he said.

  That night, as I was going to bed (but not to sleep), Lester came into my room. “So at the mall, today … uh, yeah,” he said. “That was, you know.”

  I looked at him. “I’m sorry, I’m unable to comprehend what you’re saying.”

  “Dude, listen.” Lester let out a big sigh. “You did me a solid at the mall today, with Darlene. I’ve been trying to land some eye-time with her for a dog’s age, if you know what I mean.”

  Again, I shook my head. “Again I apologize, but in fact, I don’t know what you mean. Is there any way you could express yourself in a somewhat more coherent fashion?”

  “I like her, okay?!” Lester fell back on my bed. “I’ve always liked Darlene, but she never gave me the time of day, until today. And that’s thanks to you. For some reason, she thinks you’re, like, completely awesome.”

  “Ah, I see.” I watched him as he lay there. “Will you be sleeping in my bed tonight?” I asked. “If so, I can find an alternate place to lie down.”

  “Of course not.” He yawned loudly, then stretched his arms up practically to the ceiling. “I just figured, since you did me that solid today, I’d do you one back.”

  “What’s a solid?”

  “Like, a favor. I’m going to do you a favor.”

  “That’s sounds very nice, thank you,” I told Lester. “What is this favor?”

  Lester pulled himself up to a sitting position. “I’m going to give you two very important pieces of advice. One, loosen up. You’re so serious you give me the creeps. And two, you need to stop talking like Albert Freakin’ Einstein.”

  “Who Freakin’ Who?”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Lester got up. “So what’s the deal with the fancy vocabulary, anyway? Why do you use big words all the time?”

  “I don’t know,” I told him. “Ever since I can remember, I’ve spoken like this. I guess I was born that way.”

  “I thought you weren’t born at all,” Lester said.

  “Oh, yes, good point. Thank you for the advice; I will be sure to be more careful with my vernacular.”

  Lester pointed his finger right at me. “See, there! That word, vernacular. There is absolutely no need to use that word.” He paused. “What does it mean, anyway?”

  “Well, it means the way people speak.”

  “Then fine, say that,” Lester said. “Say ‘I need to be more careful with the way I speak.’ ”

  “Okay.”

  “I know my parents have been trying to help you, but take it from me: If you’re going to go to school, you need to act like everyone else and talk like everyone else.”

  “Okay.”

  Lester took out the same phone that everyone seemed to have, stared at it for no apparent reason, and then put it back in his pocket. (He did this approximately 8,483 times a day.) “No more words over three syllables,” he said.

  “I’ll try, but that seems both unrealistic and inflexible, to be honest.”

  “What did I just say?”

  “Oh right. My apologies.”

  “You mean you’re sorry.”

  “Right, I’m sorry.”

  “Yeesh, you’ve got a lot to learn,” Lester said. “Or unlearn, I guess.” His phone buzzed, and he yanked it out again to read it. “Yo, it’s Darlene! She says it was fun running into me at the mall!”

  “What a felicitous text indeed,” I said before I could stop myself.

  He glared at me.

  “That was a joke,” I claimed. “I’m loosening up.”

  “You’ve got a ways to go, pal,” Lester said, and he had a very good point.

  Finally it was the day before my first day of school. I’d gotten semi-used to the new clothes and the contact lenses, and I’d even taken two showers, which were not enjoyable at all.

  I was outside on the front porch, watching the clouds go by, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Come with me, Norbus,” Bill said. “We need to have a talk.”

  I followed him into the room they called the TV room, probably because it had a giant TV in it. I’d watched a show with Bill and Jenny the night before. First, all these people sang really loudly, and then other people decided if the singers were good at singing or not, and then the singers would either jump up and down happily or cry like it was the worst day of their lives.

  It was very strange.

  But what’s even stranger is that I’d enjoyed the show very much.

  “Are we watching more TV?” I asked Bill.

  “Absolutely not,” he answered, with a laugh. “There’s only so much of that silliness I can take.”

  We sat down on the couch. “What did you want to talk about?” I asked, even though a part of me knew the answer.

  “I wanted to tell you a little bit about where you came
from,” Bill said. Then he sat there, as if waiting for me to say something, but I didn’t have anything to say.

  Bill took a deep breath. “The human regeneration program has been in development for about three years. Anyone who knows about it will go to jail if they reveal its existence to the outside world.”

  “How do you know about it?”

  “I wish I could tell you that,” he said, “but I can’t. But I can say that you and the other zombies escaped through a breach of security on the southern border of the Territory.”

  I stared at him without blinking. “What’s the Territory?”

  A look of surprise came over Bill’s face. “That’s where you’re from, Norbus,” he said. “Where you were developed, and studied, and kept.” He let that sink in for a second. “From what we understand,” he continued, “all the other escapees were rounded up and subjected to something called the Salt Melt, which causes paralysis in regenerated humans. They were then returned to the Territory.”

  That explained the man chasing me with the bag of salt in his hands.

  “Luckily, we found you before they did,” he added, softly.

  “I see.” I could feel a pounding in my chest, almost as if my heart were actually beating. “Thank you for telling me.”

  Bill put his hand on my shoulder. I could feel the warmth through my shirt. “I wish I could say that this project was for a good reason, and if we returned you, you would be protected,” he said. “But as of right now, we don’t believe that to be the case. And until I find out for sure, you’re going to stay right here where we can look after you.”