Pete Milano's Guide to Being a Movie Star Read online

  Mrs. Sleep stood up and rose to her full height, which seemed about twice as tall as my dad. “I’d say about ten pages special,” she said. “Congratulations again!”

  After the meeting, we were halfway down the hall before my mom worked up the nerve to speak. “Jeez, I’m impressed,” she whispered.

  “Huh? With what?”

  She shook her head. “With the fact that you’ve been able to survive so many visits to that office,” she said.

  16

  JUST NANO

  THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE when you walk on to a movie set is the food.

  It’s everywhere.

  There’s junk food; health food; hot food; cold food; fruit, sweets, nuts, and berries; every kind of drink you could possibly imagine; and a guy whose only job is to make omelets.

  And it’s all free.

  It’s almost like a bar mitzvah, only instead of a bunch of hyper kids running around hopped up on candy and soda, you’ve got a bunch of hyper adults running around with headphones on, yelling things that don’t make any sense.

  “We need the grip on set!”

  “Ten minutes to talent!”

  “Last looks!”

  “Back to one!”

  My mom and I were told to wait inside a big trailer that was just outside the studio. Inside the trailer there was a fruit-and-cookie basket about a mile high. My mom inspected the goods.

  “Fresh,” she said, nodding her head in approval.

  There was a knock on the door, and a totally pretty young woman came bouncing in like she was on a pogo stick.

  “Hi!” she said. “I’m Ashley Kinsley! I’m going to be Pete’s wrangler. I’ll be the one making sure he doesn’t work overtime or anything like that. Very strict child labor laws in this state, you know!”

  “Wrangler?” my mom asked, popping a piece of mango in her mouth. “That sounds like an interesting job.”

  “It is,” Ashley said. “But mainly, it’s a way to get my foot in the door. I’m going to be a director.”

  “Well, hopefully that will work out for you,” said my mom.

  Ashley nodded like a bobblehead. “Oh, it will,” she said. “I have no doubt.”

  I was starting to learn that the one thing you had to have in the movie business was confidence.

  Ashley turned her really blue eyes to me. “So, Pete! We need to take a walk. You ready?”

  My mom got up first. “Well, guess I’ll hit the road.” She looked at Ashley. “What time should I pick him up?”

  Ashley giggled. “Oh, we just needed you here today to fill out some paperwork,” she explained. “But in general, we’ll have a car pick him up and take him home every day.”

  “Excuse me?” said my mom.

  “A car will take Pete to work every day. It’s standard.”

  My mom shook her head and looked at me. “Well, Petey, my little star,” she said. “I’ve barely ever been in a taxi.” But she winked and gave me a big hug. “Text me all day long,” she said.

  “I will,” I promised.

  “Actually, we try to discourage phones on the set.” Ashley said.

  “Good idea,” said my mom. “Except text me anyway.”

  Ashley and I headed out of the trailer and weaved our way through what seemed like a small army of people, all carrying stuff, shouting stuff, and eating and drinking stuff. Finally, after about five minutes, we were standing in front of a small building that looked like a miniature White House.

  “What’s in there?” I asked Ashley.

  “The man,” she answered.

  “Which man?” I said, but by then we were through the door and into an office filled with huge piles of paper. HUGE piles of paper.

  “Scripts,” Ashley said, answering my unasked question. “Everyone wants to make a movie with Sheldon.”

  “That’s right, they do,” croaked a voice, and I turned around to see Sheldon Felden walking slowly into the room. He was using a cane, which looked like it was carved out of the nicest wood that came off the nicest tree that grew in the nicest forest in the world. In other words, that was one sweet cane.

  Behind Mr. Felden were two people: a huge football-player-type guy who was probably like a bodyguard or something, and the guy with the scarf who’d been at the audition.

  “Hello, son,” Mr. Felden said, shaking my hand. He had a really strong grip for an old man.

  “Nice to see you again, sir,” I told him. “I’m really excited to be here.”

  “Well, that’s swell, we’re excited that you’re here.” He turned around. “You remember Nano?”

  The scarf guy stepped forward. He didn’t look all that happy to see me. “Hello, Pete, nice to see you again. I’m Nano, the director of the film.”

  “Oh, hey, Mr. Nano.”

  He shook his head, the scarf flopping back and forth. “It’s just Nano.”

  “Oh. Sorry. Well, it’s an honor to be here, Nano.”

  Mr. Felden sat down behind his desk with a big sigh. “Pete, I’m going to be straight with you,” he said. “There are some people who didn’t particularly want you for this picture.”

  “Picture?” I asked.

  “That’s what older people call movies,” Ashley whispered.

  “They didn’t want you because you’re a little young, and you don’t have any experience,” Mr. Felden said. “And they’re right. You don’t.”

  I had a feeling Mr. Nano—I mean Nano—was one of those people. I looked at him, but he refused to take his eyes off Mr. Felden, who wasn’t finished talking.

  “But Iris thought you had something, and she was pushing for you. And when I took a look at your audition tape, I had to agree with her. So we’re going out on a limb for you here, Pete. You’re not going to make me look bad, are you?”

  “No, sir,” I said. “Definitely not.”

  “Good! Now, Nano, tell Pete a little bit about the part.”

  Nano sat down, took out his iPad, and said, “Let’s chat a bit about who Sammy really is.” Then he talked for about twenty minutes straight. I’m not even sure he took a breath. Mr. Felden’s no dummy, though: after the first ten seconds, he grabbed his cane. “See you kids later,” he wheezed, then he got the heck out of there.

  I tried to listen to Nano, I really did, but it was hard. I’ve never been a great listener—not to my parents, not to my teachers. It’s just something I’m not good at. But this was important—really important—so I tried hard to concentrate. The problem was, he had this mole underneath his bottom lip that kind of jumped around when he talked. It was amazing and fascinating and very distracting.

  Finally, Nano stopped. “Any questions? About the movie in general, or Sammy’s character motivations?”

  I froze. Was there going to be a test?

  “Uh, no sir, Mr. Nano.”

  “Just Nano.”

  “Nano.”

  He jumped up. “Good. Ashley, take him to wardrobe. Let’s go make a movie.”

  “What’s wardrobe?” I asked Ashley.

  She laughed. “It’s where you stop being Pete Milano and start being Sammy Powell.”

  17

  FIRST RULE OF SHOW BUSINESS

  AFTER I GOT MY SIZES taken for Sammy’s main outfit—basically a prep school uniform, shirt, tie, and khaki pants—Ashley brought me into a giant room that looked like it could fit two airplanes inside, easy. But it was completely empty, except for one long table and a bunch of chairs.

  “This is the soundstage, where a lot of the shooting will take place,” she explained. “Today, though, we’re just doing a table read to get started.”

  I was already self-conscious about the fact that I didn’t know anything about anything, but I asked anyway. “What’s a table read?”

  “It’s where all the actors sit around the table and just read the script all the way through,” she explained. “It’s a great way for everyone to get to know each other, and just see how the story flows.”

  I heard voices behin
d me and realized that the room was slowly filling up with people.

  “Is Iris around?” I asked, hoping for a familiar face.

  “No, she’s back in L.A.,” Ashley said. “Hopefully she’ll come to the set when we shoot the locations up in Eastport.”

  “When is that?”

  “At the very end of the shoot.” Ashley didn’t seem at all bothered by the fact that I’d asked her about sixty-two questions in less than an hour.

  As the new people got closer, I realized some of them were actually not unfamiliar at all. In fact, some of them were completely and totally familiar.

  Because they were famous.

  The first person I recognized was Adam Blankman, who’d been in some hilarious movies, including Cop Dog and Walking On Milk. Next to him was Becky Sue Woodcock, a country singer who’d won Sing It America! a few years back.

  “Holy moly,” I said to myself. Only, I guess it wasn’t totally to myself, because Ashley looked up from her phone.

  “Oh, cool,” she said, “the other actors are here. Come say hi.”

  We walked over, and I could feel all eyes turn to me, as people said to themselves, Who’s this rookie? It reminded me of Mareli’s first day in school after she’d moved here from Puerto Rico, and she was sitting by herself at lunch, and for some reason I decided to go up to her, grab five of her French fries, and eat them. She looked up and said, “You’re the rudest person I’ve ever met.” Who knows? Maybe that’s the moment she decided to like me.

  “Everyone, this is Pete Milano,” Ashley said. “Our Sammy Powell.”

  Mr. Blankman smiled and shook my hand. “Cool! Welcome aboard. I’m playing your pops. I bow down to you, because you have about three thousand more lines than me.”

  “Wow,” I said, because I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  Ms. Woodcock gave me a big hug. “And I’m your mom, so don’t try any funny stuff, young fella.” She had a thick Southern accent, a really short skirt, and the biggest head of red hair I’d ever seen. It was kind of hard to imagine her as anyone’s mother.

  I got introduced to a bunch of other people, some who were playing other, smaller parts, and some people who were producers and behind-the-scenes people, and then we all just kind of stood around, like we were waiting for something to happen.

  As it turned out, we were waiting for someone to happen.

  About ten minutes later, I saw a few people start whispering into their walkie-talkies (a lot of people have walkie-talkies on movie sets), and then all of a sudden five people walked into the room really fast, talking or texting on their cell phones.

  Thirty seconds after that, a golf cart came whizzing through the door. I couldn’t tell who was driving, but in the passenger seat was Shana Fox.

  “Hi, everyone! So sorry I’m late!” She hopped out and started air-kissing everyone in the room. I waited for her to get to me and thought about what I’d say to her. She’d been so nice when we met at my audition. But when she shook my hand, she looked as if she’d never seen me before.

  “Remember Pete?” Ashley asked her. “He’s playing Sammy.”

  Shana squinted her eyes. “Oh, yes, right!” she said. “I apologize. We looked at so many boys for that part.” (We??) She shook my hand. “Well, congratulations, Pete. I look forward to working with you.” And then she was on to the next person.

  Ashley watched me watch her go. “When she’s on set, she’s a different person,” she explained. “All business. It’s like she’s a thirty-four-year-old actress in a fifteen-year-old’s body.”

  “She’s fifteen already?” I asked.

  “Yup,” Ashley laughed. “And that’s as old as she’s gonna get for about ten years, if her managers have anything to say about it.”

  The guy who was driving the golf cart walked over to us, and I realized it was Dex Bannion, the guy from Shana’s TV show who Shana said wasn’t her boyfriend.

  “Yo,” he said, pumping my hand. “I’m Dex.”

  “I’m Pete,” I said. “Nice to meet you.”

  He punched Ashley in the arm. “Yo, girl, wassup?”

  “Easy on the yo,” Ashley told him. “And also, aren’t you a little young to be driving a golf cart?”

  “I’m sixteen, yo,” he answered.

  Ashley turned to me. “Dex is going to be playing Croft.”

  Whoa. Things just got a lot more intense.

  “Your nemesis,” Dex added, with a nemesis-like smile.

  “Wow,” I said. “Cool. That’s great.”

  He shook his head. “Nah, not that cool, to be honest with you. It’s a jive movie, and I got bigger fish to fry, bro. But I’m doin’ it as a favor to my lady.”

  “Your lady?”

  He nodded in the direction of Shana. “Right there, bro.”

  I was confused. “But—”

  “It looks like Nano is about to get started,” Ashley said, cutting me off.

  Dex nodded. “Aaaiite,” he said. “Peace.”

  Ashley and I watched as Dex hopped in his golf cart and weaved his way to the table, annoying a bunch of people in the process. “At my audition, Shana told me they weren’t going out,” I said.

  Ashley looked at me like I was two years old.

  “First rule of show business, Pete,” she said. “Never believe a word anyone says.”

  SAMMY AND THE PRINCESS, SCENE 4

  INT. DORM ROOM—NIGHT

  SAMMY IS UNPACKING IN HIS ROOM WHEN A MAN WALKS IN, CARRYING FIVE SUITCASES. HE PUTS THEM DOWN, HUFFING AND PUFFING. THEN HE EXITS. A MINUTE LATER, A KID WALKS IN.

  KID (calling off to the man)

  Much obliged, Perkins.

  THE KID’S NAME IS CROFT CHANDLER, AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE OWNS THE PLACE. WHICH, GIVEN WHO HIS FAMILY IS, ISN’T FAR FROM THE TRUTH. CROFT NOTICES SAMMY.

  CROFT

  Yo, you must be …

  SAMMY

  Sammy. Sammy Powell.

  CROFT

  Right, Sammy.

  SAMMY WAITS FOR THE KID TO INTRODUCE HIMSELF. HE DOESN’T.

  SAMMY

  And you are…?

  CROFT

  Oh, right. Where are my manners? Croft Chandler.

  SAMMY

  Croft Chandler?

  CROFT

  That’s right.

  SAMMY

  Uh … which one is your first name?

  CROFT

  Is that a joke?

  SAMMY

  Actually, no.

  CROFT

  Don’t you know who I am?

  SAMMY

  Actually, no again.

  CROFT

  Come here, let me show you something.

  CROFT GUIDES SAMMY OVER TO THE WINDOW

  CROFT

  See that building, across the quad? That’s the Chandler library right there.

  SAMMY

  As in Croft Chandler?

  CROFT

  That’s the one. So just a tip, kid: you might want to get a handle on the traditions around here, and the people who matter. It will go a long way. Now go get me a coffee.

  SAMMY

  Huh?

  CROFT

  A coffee. Light with milk.

  SAMMY

  You drink coffee?

  CROFT

  D’uh.

  SAMMY

  Okay, well, that’s weird. And, what’s also weird is that you want me to get it for you.

  CROFT

  You’re the newbie. The new kid. The rookie. Your one and only job as my roommate is to do as I say. Play the game right, and no one gets hurt.

  SAMMY

  I’m not going to get your coffee, sorry. But while you’re there, wherever “there” is, would you mind getting me a grape soda?

  CROFT STARES AT SAMMY LIKE HE HAS TWO HEADS

  CROFT

  What did you just say?

  SAMMY

  Soda. Grape. Yummy.

  SAMMY GOES BACK TO HIS UNPACKING, WHISTLING WHILE HE WORKS. HE NOTICES CROFT STILL STAR
ING AT HIM.

  SAMMY

  Hey, let’s just start over! (notices Croft’s angry look) Or not.

  CROFT SUDDENLY SLAMS SAMMY’S SUITCASE SHUT. SAMMY BARELY PULLS OUT HIS FINGERS IN TIME.

  CROFT

  Let’s get one thing straight, Powell. This is my world. You just live in it.

  SAMMY

  Your world. Check.

  CROFT

  Now get me that coffee.

  SAMMY MULLS IT OVER, THEN FINALLY DECIDES HE’D LIKE TO LIVE.

  SAMMY

  I better make it two, in case you’re extra thirsty.

  AND SAMMY RUNS OUT TO BEGIN HIS NEW LIFE AS CROFT’S SERVANT.

  18

  OASIS

  WE WERE ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES into the table read when I realized that maybe I could do this after all.

  It was the scene where Sammy meets his snob roommate, Croft Chandler. Croft tries to bully Sammy, but Sammy fights back.

  And when I read the line, “Soda. Grape. Yummy,” the strangest thing happened.

  Dex laughed.

  Adam Blankman smiled.

  Becky Sue Woodcock patted me on the back.

  Even Nano nodded. Slightly.

  From that point on, I was able to relax, a little. And about an hour and a half later, we were done. As I packed up my script, people started coming over to shake my hand.

  “Nice job.”

  “Really funny.”

  “You got this.”

  I just kept saying “Thanks,” over and over again.

  Nano was the last to come over. “Solid start,” he said, fiddling with his scarf. “Study your lines tonight, please. Tomorrow the real fun begins.” Then he walked away, talking to some guy with headphones (like I said, everyone had headphones).

  I looked at Ashley. “Tomorrow?”

  “We start shooting,” she said.